192. Who Not Why?

There is a fabulous article in this weekend's Sunday magazine from todays paper about why men cheat.

Its about Irish comedian Peadar De Burca who decided to interview 250 men and ask them why they cheated.

Politician, doctors, soldiers, bank executives, rich men, poor men, working-class men, poor men - everybody.

He then went on to further investigate what your average adulterer looks like.

"The overiding thing about the men was that they weren't cool or handsome. They all seemed needy and insecure. And pathetic and cowards. Some were so grimy they made me want to puke"

"And they blamed everyone else"

He found out what I've always suspected.

Real men don't cheat.

152. Ostrich

Someone I know received a facebook message from a guy she didn't know. He said her photos were pretty and he would like to take her for a drink. On closer inspection of his facebook page, it seemed like a legitimate page. It also seems that he has a partner and kids.

He included his mobile number so we called it and indeed he was keen to meet for a drink. And some no-strings attached sex. We set the time and place and watched him turn up in his finest at the hotel we had specified.

Of course we left him standing alone.

The thing is, I don't believe for one moment that Aaron Carver (yep - I'm outing him!) hasn't dropped clues to his partner that he is looking elsewhere for some intimacy. I do believe, however, she is hoping it goes away.

Another friend of mine, T, knew for six months that something was up with her marriage. She knew that it wasn't right that every weekend her husband M went to Sydney to party with his friend Al, whilst T stayed at home with their new baby. But she pretended it wasn't happening rather than face an awful truth. Of course he eventually left her someone else; Al's flatmate! (FTR she is much better off without him - I always thought he was punching above his weight.)

The thing is, it won't go away. It will manifest itself. So don't ignore it. This is your partner. Your equal partner. So ask questions. (Don't interrogate so he is scared to talk to you) But be involved. Don't snoop. But be interested. And be friends with his friends.

And if something doesn't feel right intuitively - 9 out of 10 times it isn't.

NB The RD in no way believes that only men cheat and for my men readers, women are sometimes all the more sneaky. Pay attention.

139. Bad Weather "Just Happens"..

Inappropiate texts and or/emails to other women doesn't just happen. Neither does putting your tongue in their mouth.

I have never, ever kissed anyone that I didn't want to? Nor have I accidently had sex with someone.

It never just happens.

So if my partner did this to me, I would ask him if he thought he just messed up or did he just want out?

116. Snoop?

Q. I just looked in my boyfriend's mobile phone and he has been calling his ex-girlfriend. He told me they were done and not communicating. I'm freaked out now because if he knows I was looking, he'll turn it into a trust issue. And, of course, I don't know what they're talking about. Plus, she lives far away. My question is: was it bad that I looked in his phone and what should I do now that I know?

A. Yes, it's bad that you looked in his phone. Why? Because you may be freaking out over nothing. That, and you violated his privacy. Maybe he sneaked behind your back because he figured you would make a big scene if he told you he was talking to his ex. Guys hate drama. His converations could very well have been innocent.

But for the moment, let's say he's guilty and he's flirting with his ex. I suggest you wait a week, don't look in his phone again, keep quiet, and then talk about an ex of your own. Say how he called you (make it up if you have to?!) and how it's inevitable that certain people from our past will call us. Say that you think couples should be mature about this. If he doesn't come clean at that moment, store it, because he may be waiting until he's comfortable. if in a day he doesn't come clean, ask him if he ever talks to his ex. Say you won't be mad. He won't believe you, but say it anyway. if he still doesn't come clean, I would mentally start the separation process, because he's clearly got something to hide. In general, I don't recommend looking in anyone's phone unless it's an emergency.

108. Dear Alex..

Once is a mistake, twice is even forgivable but after that, he is taking advantage of you.

Please believe that you are an amazing woman who can do better than this guy.

If he truly loved you and your girls, he would not treat you like this.

I am quite sure that he is quirky and sometimes really adorable and when he is being good, he is amazing.

But he is making a fool of you.

And you do not deserve this constant poor treatment.

You are also setting a very bad example for your girls on what is an acceptable way to be treated during a marriage.

Alex, please, for the sake of your daughters and yourself, dump the douche.

Don't end up another Simone Warne-esque tragedy.

106. You're A Dumb Cheat

People who say their cheating spouses are stupid may be close to the mark.

Scientists have concluded that men and women who sleep around are likely to have lower IQ's.

The smarter a human is, the less likely he is to cheat on his partner, according to Dr Satoshi Kanazawa, an evolutionary pyschologist from London.

His theory is that through evolutionary history, humans have always being midly polygamous.

Today, however, entering a sexually exclusive relationship is an "evolutionary novel" development and according to his theory, intelligent people are more likely to adopt new practices, to become "more evolved"

He says humans who cannot adapt and end up succumbing to temptation and cheating are likely to be more stupid.

So there.

104. An Affair To Remember

On the day that Noel started work at the Sofitel Gold Coast, he met Melinda, the hotel's pay clerk.

Three days later, Melinda sent Noel an email to his work address "It's nice to have you on board, let me know if you ever want to go for a drink"

Nathan was suprised as Melanie was married. She must just be very friendly he thought.

By the end of the week, they were swapping emails on the hour.

A week or so later, Melinda asked Noel what he was doing for State of Origin rugby league match that night.

"Going to my local pub" he said. "I might meet you there" Melinda told him. "Whats your mobile number?"

They swapped numbers. She didn't meet him there but she did now have his number in her phone.

They started texting daily until about 9pm each night. (9pm was when Melinda's husband James would arrive home).

That Friday night, they went for a drink after work.

Noel had worked at the Sofitel for only two weeks.

By 11pm, they had separated from their colleagues and were sharing a passionate kiss in an alley behind a pub.

They went back to Noel's house and had sex.

Then Melinda called at taxi and was back in James's bed by 3am.

Over the weekend, Melinda sent Noel as many secret texts as she could manage without being caught.

By Monday am, both of them were filled with the kind of excitement that only an affair can muster.

Huge stomach butterflies and a sense of really, really feeling alive.

They had more chances to be together at work.

They took secret rides in the staff lift, kissing and groping each other whenever possible.

They send 100's of emails about what they would do to each other as soon as they were next alone.

They went to secret lunches and held hands under the table.

He sent her flowers to work but had to take them home with him as Melinda could not explain them to James.

Each day was amazing for Noel, but each night was torture as he waited for her texts when her husband wasn't looking.

Melinda increased her lies to her husband, telling James she was at the gym after work.

She started going to Nathan's house for sex. The kind of sex only a forbidden affair knows.

One night she told James she was sleeping at her friend Helen's house. She stayed the whole night at Noel's so they could wake up together instead of her having to leave by 3am.

Another night she told James she had a work conference but actually Melinda and Noel headed to Brisbane for the night so that they could have dinner like a normal couple. They could have been caught. Noel didn't care.

Weeks went by and the secrecy continued.

People at their work were very suspcious.

Noel started to pressure her to leave her husband. He was in love with her and would take her away from her terrible marriage he promised.

She told him she would soon.

Weeks more went by. Noel started driving by their house. One night he got out of the car and listened at the fence.

He could hear them laughing. Like a happily married couple.

He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind.

One night, she did leave James.

She told Noel that she had come to live with him.

Noel was so happy. He believed this was his dream girl. He wanted to marry her and took her to meet his mum.

The next day, Melinda went home to James.

She sent Noel lots of texts telling him it was he that she loved, not James and that they would be together very soon but she was worried about what people would think.

She told Noel she would resign from work and get a new job and then she would leave James.

She did that.

Noel was impatient and started to doubt her.

He thought that if James knew about the affair then he would throw Melinda out and they could be together.

He no longer thought clearly.

He was consumed by this girl.

He decided to take a risk.

He printed out all the emails that Melinda and himself had sent each other. Detailing sordid moments of their affair.

He paid a Gold Coast Taxi driver $50 to deliver the emails to James.

Melinda was at her farewell drinks from the Sofitel.

James stormed in and asked the large crowd.

"Who the f@uck is Noel and who else here knows that he is f@cking my wife?"

The crowd was silent. Melinda turned white.

She jumped up and ran towards James.

"It's all lies" "I love you"

She went home with James that night and refused to take Noel's calls.

A few days later, Melinda gave James, Noel's mobile number.

James told Noel that he and Melinda were stronger than this and wouldn't be breaking up.

James put Melinda on the phone and told him the same thing. That she was sorry but she didn't have the same feelings for Noel as she did for her husband.

Noel was devastated.

A few weeks went by.

Melinda turned up at Noel's house and they had sex 5 times.

She told him she loved him and she would leave her husband soon.

She went home to her husband.

Noel knew he had being played.

Melinda and James are still married and they have a baby boy.

98. Talk Is Cheap

Remember actions speak far louder than words.

Lets hope Eldrick means what he says. I do doubt it seeing as he is going for the approach of only "he" is to blame.



Let's stay tuned...