192. Who Not Why?

There is a fabulous article in this weekend's Sunday magazine from todays paper about why men cheat.

Its about Irish comedian Peadar De Burca who decided to interview 250 men and ask them why they cheated.

Politician, doctors, soldiers, bank executives, rich men, poor men, working-class men, poor men - everybody.

He then went on to further investigate what your average adulterer looks like.

"The overiding thing about the men was that they weren't cool or handsome. They all seemed needy and insecure. And pathetic and cowards. Some were so grimy they made me want to puke"

"And they blamed everyone else"

He found out what I've always suspected.

Real men don't cheat.

183. Breaking Up The Band

It's a famous story of how the Beatles ended; John meets girl, can't get out of bed with girl, breaks up world's most famous band..

It's a tough battle to fight, new lust. And when it happens to one of your friends there really isn't anything else to do but ignore them.

He'll be selfish, self-involved and self-centred. And he will only want to spend time with "her".

You can try staging an intervention or yelling at your friend but all that will happen is he will want to see her more. Just like when your parents tried to ban you from seeing your older, long-haired smoker boyfriend when you were in Yr 9.

Take some solace in knowing though that it's inevitable that such an unhealthy relationship will end eventually and it's then that your friend will realise his mistake and it's also then that you will hold all the cards of continuing the friendship..

182. Threesomes..Or Not?

With modern technology and social networking sights these days, its almost impossible to have more than one girl on that go at any time.

Need further proof?

A guy I know is very cute. And fancies himself as quite the ladies man. Although just recently I labelled him a clumsy lothario...

See he was really, really stringing two girls along. But with facebook.com, there was no way they didn't know about each other.

So he had to create a web of lies explaining them to each other. He called one a weird stalker that he didn't speak to and the other a jealous violent skank.

He thought that would be enough to keep them away from each other.

What he didn't count on however was that both of these girls were good people and indeed smart people.

And cracks started to appear in his stories.

Eventually one girl decided to contact another girl via said social networking site.

And the truth really came out. Numbers, stories and dates were swapped.

And the boy was confronted with the evidence.

Now the boy has neither girl.. and I doubt he is looking forward to returning from his current trip in London

175. Believe

Last night, someone I know really well, spent a great deal of time on the phone with a boy she has a little something going on with.

Like most girls, this friend of mine, can suffer from the odd bout of insecurity and so the topic of conversation for a day or so was - why her?

Why, out of all the gorgeous girls in the country.. why would he choose her?

She could be grumpy, they didn't live in the same town - hell, she was even older..

He told her very firmly "Don't question it. Just believe in it. It will take work. But I'll work hard at it. You'll work hard at it and then it will work. But never ever question it - just believe in it"

Best advice I have ever heard.

163. Rich, Funny Or Has Your Back?

Don't get me wrong - I like tall men. Funny men also keep me interested. As do ambitious men, well-read men and men that prefer to eat more than just the chicken parma.

But when all is said and done, the winner will always be someone whom I know has my back.

Someone who is always on my side, although prepared and able to stand up to me.

Someone who when I need it, would rather be at home on the couch with me than chattting up cheerleaders in a nightclub.

Someone who is brave enough to leap with me into a new whirlwind adventure on a whim and someone who would rather hug me than see me cry.

It's a rare quality so don't mistreat it if you find it.

152. Ostrich

Someone I know received a facebook message from a guy she didn't know. He said her photos were pretty and he would like to take her for a drink. On closer inspection of his facebook page, it seemed like a legitimate page. It also seems that he has a partner and kids.

He included his mobile number so we called it and indeed he was keen to meet for a drink. And some no-strings attached sex. We set the time and place and watched him turn up in his finest at the hotel we had specified.

Of course we left him standing alone.

The thing is, I don't believe for one moment that Aaron Carver (yep - I'm outing him!) hasn't dropped clues to his partner that he is looking elsewhere for some intimacy. I do believe, however, she is hoping it goes away.

Another friend of mine, T, knew for six months that something was up with her marriage. She knew that it wasn't right that every weekend her husband M went to Sydney to party with his friend Al, whilst T stayed at home with their new baby. But she pretended it wasn't happening rather than face an awful truth. Of course he eventually left her someone else; Al's flatmate! (FTR she is much better off without him - I always thought he was punching above his weight.)

The thing is, it won't go away. It will manifest itself. So don't ignore it. This is your partner. Your equal partner. So ask questions. (Don't interrogate so he is scared to talk to you) But be involved. Don't snoop. But be interested. And be friends with his friends.

And if something doesn't feel right intuitively - 9 out of 10 times it isn't.

NB The RD in no way believes that only men cheat and for my men readers, women are sometimes all the more sneaky. Pay attention.

133. Happliy Ever After!

Someone very dear to me, infact someone I have known for a very long time, is this month's guest post host!

Read below for some interesting and heart-warming feedback on long-term relationships on this rainy Saturday..

Dr R - How long have you been married for?

C - We have been married for nearly 14 years, but we have been together for 18! That is half our lives!


Dr R - How did you meet?

C - We met at a friend's birthday party, but we had actually been in a few classes at school together & hadn't realised.


Dr R - You have a daughter who is soon approaching the dating age - what's your number one dating advice for her?

C - She is still a bit young, but I would tell her to never forget your friends, as boyfriends will come & go, but your good friends are forever!


Dr R - Has your relationship changed as you have got older?

C - Yes. We are more understanding of each other now, & less selfish. We both understand that we each need time to ourselves, but we love spending time together too. I used to try & control every situation when we were young, but I am much more relaxed about things now.

Dr R - What's the best thing about marriage?

C - The best thing about my marriage is having someone to share my dreams with. We both want the same things out of life & we both head in that direction. We support each other fully, & we really understand how the other thinks.


Dr R - What's the hardest?


C - The hardest thing is knowing someone so well, some things really get on your nerves but you know they will never change that thing you hate! You have to learn to accept those things but that doesn't stop you from wanting to murder them sometimes!!!

NB - The RD thanks for her gorgeous friend for this personal interview.

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116. Snoop?

Q. I just looked in my boyfriend's mobile phone and he has been calling his ex-girlfriend. He told me they were done and not communicating. I'm freaked out now because if he knows I was looking, he'll turn it into a trust issue. And, of course, I don't know what they're talking about. Plus, she lives far away. My question is: was it bad that I looked in his phone and what should I do now that I know?

A. Yes, it's bad that you looked in his phone. Why? Because you may be freaking out over nothing. That, and you violated his privacy. Maybe he sneaked behind your back because he figured you would make a big scene if he told you he was talking to his ex. Guys hate drama. His converations could very well have been innocent.

But for the moment, let's say he's guilty and he's flirting with his ex. I suggest you wait a week, don't look in his phone again, keep quiet, and then talk about an ex of your own. Say how he called you (make it up if you have to?!) and how it's inevitable that certain people from our past will call us. Say that you think couples should be mature about this. If he doesn't come clean at that moment, store it, because he may be waiting until he's comfortable. if in a day he doesn't come clean, ask him if he ever talks to his ex. Say you won't be mad. He won't believe you, but say it anyway. if he still doesn't come clean, I would mentally start the separation process, because he's clearly got something to hide. In general, I don't recommend looking in anyone's phone unless it's an emergency.

105. Delete Delete Delete

If you picture swap, don't show your head.

Ever

If he snaps you unaware like this, then watch him as he deletes it.

No matter how much you like him at the time..

85. Hold Your Fire

From time to time, one of you will stuff up. It's inevitable (unless you are 7ft tall and blue)

I'd watch how you react to your other persons stuff up, otherwise a funny phenomenon will occur.

It won't stop anyone making mistakes but it may make them stop telling you when they have done so or perhaps make them just go away altogether.

If there is real remorse and a promise to attempt to never do such a stuff up again,and you still want them around, sometimes that truly is enough.

Truly..

66. Jackass

I shake my head with disgust as another case of "spermjacking" reached me this week.

For those of you whom are unfamiliar with the phenonomen, urbandictionary.com best describes it as

:The process of taking someone's sperm and using without their permission.

This is extremely mental. Please don't do this if you are thinking about it.

If you think this will "keep" him in your life, you are wrong.

I have seen men walk away without a backwards glance leaving the jacker to be a single mum and the baby fatherless.

A single mum is not a glamourous gig.

Infact it looks really, really, really freaking hard.

It's also a rare type of man that would get serious about a woman who already has a kid so you'll just make your dating life even harder.

It's defintely not the romantic drama you think it's going to be.

If you are seriously contemplating doing this, you need to go and see a counsellor before you ruin at least three lives.

It's unappropiate, selfish, unbalanced behaviour.

58. Space Invader

From time to time, your boyfriend will need space.

If he emotionally intelligent, he will be able to ask for it. If you are emotionally intelligent, you will be able to recognise it.

If you value your relationship, you will listen to what he says, and leave him be for a few hours.

This means no texting him, or calling him or sitting outside his house in your car until he is ready!!

This means just leaving him be until you hear from him again. Even if it's the next day..

Besides, he cannot miss you if you don't leave him be, every now and then!

54. Try, Try, Try Before You Bye

I am alarmed about the number of people I am hearing of, who are headed for divorce after less than six months of marriage.

Why?

Why are they getting married if they are not 1000% sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives with this man?

I am even hearing stories that some women are starting affairs only weeks after the big day? (yes, women)

That makes no sense.

Surely these women have already lived with their man before they married them?

Met their friends and their family? Dealt with their COD addiction?

And surely they have gone on lots of holidays with them too?

I am a firm believer you don't know anyone until you have lived together and gone on holidays together, as nothing tests a relationship like cancelled flights and lost luggage!!

If you have your eye on someone else already, then you have no right to hold a wedding. (It's heartbreaking to others and there are starving children in your suburb FFS!!)

There should be no real suprises after the "I Do" part

It's really, really not cool girlfriends.

Get it together. You are being gross and selfish.

35. Obey The Code

I am immediately concerned about any woman that struggles to maintain long friendships with other women.

Alarmed infact.

I will ask any girl straight up, who tells me they are unable to have non-destructive relationships with men, just how their gal pals are.

If the answer is "I don't really have any female friends" - it's time for serious reflection.

A friendship between two women is based on trust, respect and honesty.

A friendship between a man and a woman is sometimes (before the feedback starts..) about sex. Even if its not her, he wants to sleep with, but her other female friends.

A healthy friendship between two women is generally balanced, with the two women receiving mutual benefits from the friendship.

And you cannot put on a bikini and pull the wool over their eyes.

If you do not have friendships like this and instead, your bff past looks like a car wreck of betrayal and tears, a serious talking to is needed.

You need to know how to win your own kind over first, before a man will get serious about you.

You are just too scary otherwise.

31. Mirror Mirror

It's perhaps too early but at some stage Elin Woods will need to relect.

I do not condone Tiger Woods behaviour however as the old saying goes "It always takes two to tango"

Reccommended reading is "The Truth About Cheating" by M. Gary Neuman.

1 out of 3 men will cheat at some stage and 98% of them said it wasn't about the sex, but about the loneliness and how they felt in the relationship.

Something to think about today...