197. External Cohesion

It's a fact that your partner is going to drive you crazy and you're not going to agree with him all the time.

But do you need to berate each other in public?

I just came from the hospital where in the public waiting room, a woman gave her elderly husband a public dressing down.

Telling him that he was stupid, stubborn, obstinate, confused and ALWAYS got everything wrong only made her look like the stupid one.

And embarrassed both her husband and the full waiting room.

External cohesion, internal debate. And nothing less please.

190. Just Who's Wedding Is It Rebecca?

Dear Rebecca Twiggley

You are headed for relationship ruin.

I listened with fear and bewilderment last night as you spoke abouut your upcoming wedding to Chris Judd.

A wedding that, by your own omission, you have planned all by yourself. You basically said you have shunned all Chris's ideas and have instead just accepted his money.

Ok correct me if I am deluded but isn't a wedding a celebration of the love that two people share?

Haven't you already had your solo moments in the spotlight where everyone gushes about how gorgeous you are?

Your passive-agressive behaviour style of addmitting that Judd is fabulous but just not fabulous or classy enough to have an input in YOUR big day will see you, within 7 years, in a failed marriage.

Someone else will come along that will let Chris know his ideas are wanted. And his view is important.

And he will leave you.

Think it doesn't happen to gorgeous model types?

You might want to check again with Elin Woods.

All the best - you'll need it.

The RD.

188. Why Do We Always Blame The Girl?

Recently someone I know well was being pursued by someone’s boyfriend. So rather than cause any unnecessary angst, this friend of mine contacted the girlfriend in question and let her know what her lover was doing behind her back.

The evidence was huge, there was literally hundreds of emails as well as dates that could be matched to back up the guy’s infidelities.

At first the girlfriend thanked her – said she respected my friend so much for coming forward.

But then – the tables turned. And my friend became the bad guy as the wronged girlfriend said she just wanted to move on. Which meant forgiving her boyfriend and commencing a hate campaign about my friend.

Why do we blame the girl? Who owed this girlfriend nothing? And who infact, and this of no dispute, didn’t even know this guy had a girlfriend?

Insecurity. There can be no other reason.

Deal with your boyfriend. He let you down. And no-one else.

Plus remember – if we keep acting this way towards the girl in question, one day she won’t tell you what’s actually going on.

And then you really will look stupid.

184. Blame or Shame?

Last week Matilda star Lisa De Vanna was in some hot water over pictures she uploaded on facebook.com

When you google the story, headings come up with various titles like "Matilda star in sex outrage" and "Soccer star sex shame"

Ok well come on!?

From where I sit, the only thing De Vanna did wrong was not having her facebook account privacy settings on high.

And that's it.

She should not be labelled a scarlet women for faking fellatio? Because doesn't that just mean, as a grown up, that she is in-touch with her sexuality??

That she knows what men like and really, really want in bed and further more, knows how to give it to them??

I agree that a 13 year old girl shouldn't see pictures of that affect. But I don't agree she should then be subject to her mother's own sexual repression.

Trawl any men sites on the www and you will see literally millions of men interviewed and asked what they want more of in from their partners and I can tell you the one thing they wish they got or even got more of is blow jobs.

And it wouldn't hurt for women to listen. I get you might not like it. And I get that you might think you don't have to do stuff you don't like.

But I want to know why you don't like it? Is it because it's completely gross to you? Or maybe, just maybe, it's because you think that you are not supposed to like it?

I also wonder if you asked a 13 year old girl if she would rather her parents were still together instead of her dad running off with his work colleague who really knew how to 'love' him?

Weekend food for thought eh..

183. Breaking Up The Band

It's a famous story of how the Beatles ended; John meets girl, can't get out of bed with girl, breaks up world's most famous band..

It's a tough battle to fight, new lust. And when it happens to one of your friends there really isn't anything else to do but ignore them.

He'll be selfish, self-involved and self-centred. And he will only want to spend time with "her".

You can try staging an intervention or yelling at your friend but all that will happen is he will want to see her more. Just like when your parents tried to ban you from seeing your older, long-haired smoker boyfriend when you were in Yr 9.

Take some solace in knowing though that it's inevitable that such an unhealthy relationship will end eventually and it's then that your friend will realise his mistake and it's also then that you will hold all the cards of continuing the friendship..

181. Catch More Flies With Honey..

As recently as this week, I had my first female stalker aka the new girlfriend of a boy I had a fling of sorts with.

The young lady's angst was apparent from the number of facebook messages and friend requests I was receiving from her army of devoted yet crazed friends desperate to get a look into my facebook page and perhaps crack the code about what it was that kept her new boyfriend wanting to still contact me long after our fling was ove. (he often demonstrated this to her by constantly messaging me or calling me in her presense. Clearly his lack of knowledge of women is fodder for another post altogether..)

Anyway.. it became clear that I had two choices - either go to the police which did seem a little extreme at this stage or go straight to the source.

And so I sent my little stalker-gal a carefully worded yet light email letting her know that I was definitely not intertested in her boyfriend. That I had deleted his number and had deleted him from my (all important) facebook friend list. I let her know that girls as a whole should stick together and she had nothing to worry about in me.. (her boyfriend's roving eye will become apparent to her in her own time..)

Not long after she sent me a charming yet grateful reply saying she was happy that I had considered her feelings and that in turn she was happy for me and her lover to continue a friendship of sorts.

And then the stalking stopped.

NB the RD does not condone any sort of stalking behavouir and reminds you that its is indeed a criminal offence. If you are experiecing unwanted attention from someone at any stage, the RD advises you to seek advice by calling your local police station on 131444

180. The Very Worst Thing

Humiliation.

The worst thing about being cheated on and lied to is the humiliation.

It's expected that people will fall out of love with each other and it's expected that we as humans don't mate for life.

But it doesn't give anyone an excuse to tread all over your feelings with lies and trickery.

At one stage, you loved this person that you are now lying too. Or if even if you didn't, you should still appreciate the feelings that they have for you.

They will cope more with the fact that you now want to be with someone else, than they will cope with the realization that they have been lied to and made to look stupid in front of other people.

Imagination overdrive will kick in and they will know that possibly you lay in bed with your new lover giggling as your orginal lover called your mobile looking for you.

I've just read Tiger Wood's ex-wife Elin's account and it isn't pretty.

It simply wasn't fair how she was treated but the humiliation of it all made it so much worse.

Remember you were lucky enough to have someone, anyone love you at some stage, you do not need to trample on those feelings by amping up her humilation levels.

Be upfront and honest as soon as possible in order to make a bad situation more bearable for the heart-broken.

116. Snoop?

Q. I just looked in my boyfriend's mobile phone and he has been calling his ex-girlfriend. He told me they were done and not communicating. I'm freaked out now because if he knows I was looking, he'll turn it into a trust issue. And, of course, I don't know what they're talking about. Plus, she lives far away. My question is: was it bad that I looked in his phone and what should I do now that I know?

A. Yes, it's bad that you looked in his phone. Why? Because you may be freaking out over nothing. That, and you violated his privacy. Maybe he sneaked behind your back because he figured you would make a big scene if he told you he was talking to his ex. Guys hate drama. His converations could very well have been innocent.

But for the moment, let's say he's guilty and he's flirting with his ex. I suggest you wait a week, don't look in his phone again, keep quiet, and then talk about an ex of your own. Say how he called you (make it up if you have to?!) and how it's inevitable that certain people from our past will call us. Say that you think couples should be mature about this. If he doesn't come clean at that moment, store it, because he may be waiting until he's comfortable. if in a day he doesn't come clean, ask him if he ever talks to his ex. Say you won't be mad. He won't believe you, but say it anyway. if he still doesn't come clean, I would mentally start the separation process, because he's clearly got something to hide. In general, I don't recommend looking in anyone's phone unless it's an emergency.

66. Jackass

I shake my head with disgust as another case of "spermjacking" reached me this week.

For those of you whom are unfamiliar with the phenonomen, urbandictionary.com best describes it as

:The process of taking someone's sperm and using without their permission.

This is extremely mental. Please don't do this if you are thinking about it.

If you think this will "keep" him in your life, you are wrong.

I have seen men walk away without a backwards glance leaving the jacker to be a single mum and the baby fatherless.

A single mum is not a glamourous gig.

Infact it looks really, really, really freaking hard.

It's also a rare type of man that would get serious about a woman who already has a kid so you'll just make your dating life even harder.

It's defintely not the romantic drama you think it's going to be.

If you are seriously contemplating doing this, you need to go and see a counsellor before you ruin at least three lives.

It's unappropiate, selfish, unbalanced behaviour.

60. Counters

How many times have you heard parents say to their kids "I'll give you til three"?

And then how many pay any attention and how many ignore them?

Depends, you see, on how much integrity the counter has.

If the kid knows that nothing is going to happen when the counter gets to three, then said kid has nothing to risk by behaving poorly.

Men are sooo like this.

I know full well because my "I am never talking to you ever again" is not met with the begging and tears it deserves.

Infact, these days, it's more like I said I am going to get milk.

My own fault - I've said it 400 times and clearly don't mean it..

Better tip would be to stop the completely empty threats and do everything I said I was going to, when I said it and not say anything at all that I didn't mean!

I'll start this new attitude tomorrow.

I am quite sure this will be good news to someone at least.

59. The Mother of All Laws

Blood really is thicker than water! And it pays to remember that..

I would always advise about taking on your partner's mother as a rival.

Infact I would suggest getting in really good with her, over anything else.

Even if she is really, really annoying!

I would also advise against making it your family versus his family.

Be assured he probably finds your family rather tiresome as much as you find his bothersome.

The best advice would be just to suck that all up.

Treat both families as equals, including time spent with them.

Infact spend even more time with his family if possible.

Absolutely nothing good can come of making out your family is better than his.

Get this sorted before Easter if you want to have an exceptional Christmas from now on.

NB Remember if there are kids involved, you owe it to them to ensure they are appropiately socialised and this means making sure they have good bonds with their extended family.

Plus grandparents make excellent babysitters!!

58. Space Invader

From time to time, your boyfriend will need space.

If he emotionally intelligent, he will be able to ask for it. If you are emotionally intelligent, you will be able to recognise it.

If you value your relationship, you will listen to what he says, and leave him be for a few hours.

This means no texting him, or calling him or sitting outside his house in your car until he is ready!!

This means just leaving him be until you hear from him again. Even if it's the next day..

Besides, he cannot miss you if you don't leave him be, every now and then!

54. Try, Try, Try Before You Bye

I am alarmed about the number of people I am hearing of, who are headed for divorce after less than six months of marriage.

Why?

Why are they getting married if they are not 1000% sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives with this man?

I am even hearing stories that some women are starting affairs only weeks after the big day? (yes, women)

That makes no sense.

Surely these women have already lived with their man before they married them?

Met their friends and their family? Dealt with their COD addiction?

And surely they have gone on lots of holidays with them too?

I am a firm believer you don't know anyone until you have lived together and gone on holidays together, as nothing tests a relationship like cancelled flights and lost luggage!!

If you have your eye on someone else already, then you have no right to hold a wedding. (It's heartbreaking to others and there are starving children in your suburb FFS!!)

There should be no real suprises after the "I Do" part

It's really, really not cool girlfriends.

Get it together. You are being gross and selfish.

52. Trashbag = Tragic

I enjoy a drink as much as anyone. Infact, its a rare day that I don't partake in a glass of a pinot noir or a delicious semillion.

But writing yourself off is no way to write a love story.

When girls get drunk, sometimes we get loud. And loud is scary to men. Unless it's explosives or Revenge of the Fallen or Foo Fighters in concert.

Furthermore when girls get drunk, we decide it's time to ask inappropiate questions like "so, how much money do you make?" or "how come you don't have a girlfriend?"

Boys hate this.

And whilst they might sleep with you a few hours on - they have already decided to not get serious about you. At all.

If you need courage for a night out, head to the gym every day plus purchase a pair of really hot heels.

Don't drink yourself brave.. it's a battle you won't win.

PS For those of you who live under rocks, boys also do not enjoy the fragrance of vomit. Seriously.

49. 12,775

I mentioned the other day that this post was coming.

My FMM is always a source of fascinating conversation and with this topic, he did not let me down.

The other night, he gave me a run down on someone he knows, a young lady, that has had a lot of partners in her short sexual history. More than that, she seems to have had alot of partners from the same circle of friends.

And for that she was ferociously judged by my FMM.

Is this right or wrong, or just someone's opinion, the same as whether you like electronica or lepoard print?

I think it's the latter.

Because he doesn't have any idea how many people I have slept with. Would he stop talking to me if he knew?

In his defence, he tells me he also doesn't like her because she cheated on her boyfriend, a comrade of his, once upon a time.

Yet, I know he is friends with other people who have also cheated on their boyfriends.

Myself, I am not a fan of anyone that has ever lived with their girlfriend before. I also find anyone, who has ever, at any stage, gone after someone with a boyfriend, disgusts me.

Although if my forthcoming soul shaker had done all that before I met him, would my "rules" go out the window?

That's my double standard

NB The RD wants her readers to know that in no way should this post reflect poorly on her FMM. Our conversations are like constant fresh air to her.

46. Double Standards

After yet another interesting conversation with my FMM.. tomorrow I shall blog about double standards.

Send me your thoughts by tomorrow to therelationshipdoctor.com@gmail.com

45. Shut Up?

I want to know when did it become acceptable to publicly humilitate your partner.

The one who you trust enough to let them sleep next to you every night?

The fact is it didn't.


And yet at the moment, I am coming across couples who think it is ok to speak to each other in a highly innappropiate manner in front of other people that they might not even really know.

Personally this is a deal breaker for me. I'm a fan of the mantra; internal debate, external cohesion.

It is a fantasy to think, that when in a relationship, you are not going to really annoy each at some stage. But that sort of fighting is best done behind closed doors. It's ugly, unfair and doesn't show any respect for the people you are doing it in front of. Let alone your partner.

Having my lover tell me to shut up or that I am an idiot in front of people just isn't ok.

And therefore I would never do it to them.

Being in a relationship is as hard as walking a tightrope - but learn to walk it with grace or jump down.

You have no right to speak to him like that. Nor he you.